Dating a guy who my family would consider trashy

11-02-2008, 02:30 AM

Nothing racist about it. "Racist things" are the almost daily insults about people of colour and other minorities I see on this form. I was just stating a fact. He posted a rather inane question and I responded as honestly as I could.

11-02-2008, 07:10 PM

Sounds to me as though this is not a hypothetical situation. Methinks it's actually occurring.

If you're that much of a snob and elitist, then your girlfriend had better run for the hills. I have a feeling that her family probably has more class than you do because they surely wouldn't expect your child to distance himself/herself from YOU and your self-righteous ways.

You seem to think that the inlaws will have a disproportionate influence in your child's life. Well, sure, if your inlaws are the ones raising your kids.

It's up to YOU and your wife how your child grows up. If you teach your kids to be bigotted, ignorant, elitist pigs, then that's what they'll be. If you teach them the good in ALL people no matter their (perceived) lack of social skills or their socio-economic status, then your kids will turn out LIGHT YEARS better than you have.

If you push this idea of not allowing your inlaws into your house, start saving now for a divorce lawyer.

I think I've made myself clear that your attitude and presumptuous behavior are vomitous.

11-02-2008, 07:18 PM

When you hear the statement that you are marrying her and not her family is not quite true. If she does not want any relationship with her family is one thing, but you telling her that you do not want your children to be around their grandparents most likely will not go well.
If they are dope users, that is a different situation.

11-04-2008, 05:33 AM

OK ChicagoRon, you want a straight answer to "how do you handle this"...well here it is:

Example one - 2 of my sister-in-laws are obnoxious - one is a drunk who simply must enlighten everyone to her way of thinking & living; the other grew up tough & never lets you forget it. I used to think my brothers could see that along with the rest of us, but they either do not, or they are starting to assimilate themselves to the women's way of thinking.

Example two - I grew up on the poorer side of "middle class" & often felt embarassed by something my family said or did in the presence of my then husband. But he just laughed it off.

In both cases, once I stopped making an issue of it in my own head, everything was fine. My husband didn't expect me to "fix" my family, saw no need for me to feel anything negative about them. His view was, put up with it for the few hours we are here & then laugh & shake your head as you drive off.

My hope for you is that someday you WILL meet the girl who captures your heart so much that it won't matter one whit about where either of you came from or how your extended family lives. If you truly love each other, dealing with family - trashy or otherwise - will be just one of many compromises you'll make.

Oh, and just a wee bit of unsolicited advice from me to you, - lighten up! Learn to laugh once in a while - this forum is so insignificant when you pitt it up against the bigger things in life...

11-04-2008, 05:41 AM

Get a court order. Laugh if you want but I did with my ex in-laws. They are horrible awful people and I made sure that my daughter was to never be around them with out proper supervision. You know how many times they have seen my daughter since my divorce...once. They had to come to my house and they would rather eat poo and die than have to be supervised by me! I made sure that in my current marriage, that I checked out the whole family ahead of time before marrying in. Don't marry into a family that is trashy and horrible if you don't want to be faced with this type of situation.
Just for the record, all families have issues, but you have to find a family to marry into that has small issues. I went from one extreme to another with my in-laws and while my in-laws today are not perfect by any means of the word, they are better people inside and out than my first in-laws. Hopefully when you find the right woman you won't have to worry about this type of stuff. Good luck!

11-04-2008, 06:08 AM

I'm going to take pity on you ChicagoRon. You've taken quite a beating.

I think I know where you're coming from.

On the outside my husband's family seems like your typical white trash beer guzzling belchers. And my family is the proper parson's. You know the church on Sunday apple pie, blah blah blah.
Needless to say the two sides don't mix well. I remember my proper Mother looking down her proper nose at my MIL who at the time had too much wine.

So like another poster said for awhile we became an island. Not doing much with either side unless necessary. Over the years and thru the kids while my in-laws were with my side of the family, the drinking and carrying on eventually stopped, all, and I mean all of the kids went to college and broke the cycle.
I'm not saying that my family "cured" his side but they obviously saw qualities they liked and wanted and went after them. My sided didn't see the need of drinking to get drunk.

We never kept our kids from his side, but we did control what happened while they were there.

We, well I, learned to let my hair down a bit from them. It made us all more rounded as people.

It's a give and take.

11-04-2008, 07:13 AM

I wouldn't get involved with that person. Obviously it would do nothing but cause problems in the future. Now why would you want that????

04-21-2015, 06:59 PM

One of the first things I ask about is family. And it is in this way that I avoid the issue entirely. Unless she stands out like that white chick on The Munsters, I will not date a girl from a ''hood', ghetto family.