Guys on dating websites

Trust Me, I’ve Met Them All

Fun fact: I am a bit of a mystic. It’s is a topic of conversation I’m smart enough to leave out of dating profiles or first dates. I’m not Wiccan or anything, (not that there’s anything wrong with that) only moderately intrigued by astrology and the like. It’s a harmless curiosity that I find entertaining. Stop judging me.

Anywho, towards the end of my last soul-crushing, pseudo-relationship, I visited a tarot card reader. I went as a sort of cleansing ritual before the turn of the new year. She began our session began by handing me the cards and instructing me to split them once or twice. Then she spread the cards in rows across the table and began her interpretations. I can’t say for sure she was a gifted psychic. Still, her description of my ex as a “bad dog who was really sweet, but far too much work” was, to coin a phrase, spot on.

Predicting the end of our love affairmight have been a no-brainer. I was more impressed that something in the cards showed a lack of potential suitors to replace him. She could see that my pool of men on dating websites had been extraordinarily odd, unsuitable or virtually non-existent.

My forties have exiled me to a no-man’s land of online dating. I’m too old to appeal to most guys on OKCupid, Match, or Tinder and I’m far too young at heart to sign up for “Our Time.” I was about to close my Bumble account, but they suckered me into their new “boost” feature. For $10 a month they show me which guys have shown interest in my profile. The upside, it eliminates all the swipe rights that fall flat. The downside, most of those matches were in New York and extended as far as Texas and California. Did I mention that I live in Philadelphia?

Online dating can be like starring in a twisted mash-up of Groundhog Day and 50 First Dates. I was meeting the same types of guy over and over again. I thought I was going crazy until I stumbled across a blog by Suzanne Lachmann, Psy.D. on psychologytoday.com. Her survey concluded there were 11 primary categories of men drawn internet dating. Eleven seems to me a rather generous number, but here we go:

1. The Flake- I no longer bother contacting any guy who cops out of his filling out a full profile. Instead he writes something like “if you have a question, just ask.” If a guy isn’t willing to work within the parameters, then he’s not serious about dating. You are most likely to end up in a situation like this:

HIM: So. . . I suppose we should get together some time soon.

ME: Sure, I’m down for meeting up. Maybe one day next week?

HIM: OK . . . what would you like to do?

ME: Whatever you’d like. Drinks, dinner or we can check around to see what’s happening around town. I’m usually free by 6:00pm.

HIM: Oh, OK. My schedule is kind of crazy. I’ll call you later and we can work out the details.

“Working out the details” is guy code for “I’m deleting my profile tomorrow and you’ll never hear from me again.”

2. The Player- With so many choices, how can he pick just one andwhy should he?You’ll never have his full attention and he’ll cancel on you as soon as a better opportunity comes along.

I met a guy on OKCupid who lived in the Washington, DC area, but often came to Philadelphia for work. Not the ideal situation, but he was giving me that sexy, Sendhil Ramamurthy vibe. Besides, used to live in DC and had some friends there I wanted to visit. After a few exchanges, we decide to move off OKCupid and exchanged emails every day for over a week. Then he sent this email:

“I am not sure this long distance thing is going to work out and I don’t want to waste your time either. I am not ready for committed relationship; let me know what you think.”

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize our consistent emailing was too great of a commitment for you. I guess all that pressure to be in an exclusive relationship was weighing you down. Even before we got a chance to meet. My bad.

3. The Cougar Cub- So young and so confident he thinks he’s got everything an older man has to offer plus more- especially in the bedroom.

My experiences with younger men defy all logic. They’ve dispelled every myth I’ve heard about their relentless pursuit for hit-it-and-quit-it, guilt-free sex. Things always fell apart once they began to see me as a complex, nuanced, female human instead of Stifler’s mom from American Pie. I feared their heads might explode from the irreconcilable Madonna/whore complex that was boggling their minds.

4. The Lonely Bachelor — After his long-term relationship ended he is clueless on how to live life again as a single person. Maybe his divorce is almost final and he wants you to fill the empty spaces until he feels whole again. Some are so bitter it’s completely changed their concept of love or marriage. Others can’t wait to be in a relationship again with the first person to take notice. Oh joy!

5. The Cheater- He’s in a relationship, married or bi-curious and looking for a little something extra to spice up his life with or without the knowledge of his partner. For the most part, he’s content with his current situation and has no plans on leaving. There are specific dating sites for that sort of thing, but he doesn’t like to be “labeled.” so he’ll just lead you on until his girlfriend calls you on his cell phone one day.

6. The Perfectionist- He’s either just that shallow or he feels like he settled in his last relationship and now he’s out to find a woman that’s perfect in every way. His next girlfriend must be beautiful with a brick-house body and give him amazing sex every day. Is that so much to ask?

When I was on Match, I noticed one guy who looked at my profile several times without ever sending me a message. We matched on every point of our criteria right down to our favorite movies. In most cases, I wouldn’t suggest writing to someone who is obviously disinterested. Even when you sound so good on paper, it’s rarely worth the effort.

ME:I am curious why you don’t think we’d make a good match. I don’t mean to pressure you, but it seems like we have a lot in common and I’m not having much luck here. Any feedback would be helpful.

This was his reply, word for word, no editing, because I’m feeling petty:

HIM: Hi, you’re welcome. I find it disheartening, and frankly rude, for women to demand more than a simple “hi, write me” email, but then don’t have the courtesy for even a simple, “I read your profile and email but I’m not interested”. so, to your question, i’ll be honest. i saw your profile a few times on here. You look attractive and interesting. I like your view on religion and what you do. FOR ME, pictures 3, but especially 4, are a little to “real”. It looks like what I might expect to see after 5 years married, not 1st time dating. like someone’s aunt making them barbecue. I don’t know that any of that is fair, but I’m telling you my honest opinion. Take it for what it’s worth: the words of a complete, essentially anonymous stranger. I sincerely wish you the best of luck. Im at least gladdened by your question that there are people of good faith on here. :) but yeah. lose pic #4. it does you no favors, in my opinion. no one’s every photo is good. :) though it is a happy pic, which maybe why you used it. ps — ive been on your side of this discussion more than i care for. :) bye.

Bye, boy. Ain’t nobody got time for that kind of fuckery.

7. The Sugar(Free)Daddy- His profile says he’s 45 but he looks no younger than 60. Of course he’s searching for a woman between the ages of 25 and 40. He deserves a young hottie because:

A) He makes a lot of money and will spoil you rotten

B) He’s a silver fox; i.e. Jeff Goldblum

C) He’s super charming and debonair

Answer: D) None of the above.

8.The Tight Scheduler- He’d love to meet you if he could only find the time. Maybe he’s a workaholic, a momma’s boy, or spends all his free time at the gym. What a bore. If he cared about his social life half as much as his abs, he would stop pretending to meet women on the internet.

9. The Fuckboi. His initial approach may be standard enough and then BAM! He writes something supremely perverted. He can go from zero to fuckboi in 60 seconds or less. Why waste time with niceties?

See straightwhiteboystexting.org

Once I made a lunch date with a guy I met on Zoosk and he called the night before to confirm our plans. Here’s how our conversation went:

HIM: How about Midtown Diner?

ME: Sounds great. Midtown Diner, 1pm.

HIM: Wow, so authoritative. I think I’m getting a boner.

ME: Really? It’s just lunch plans, no need to get so excited.

HIM: Sorry, sorta frisky tonight it seems. If it were earlier (it was 11:00pm) I’d ask if I could buy you a bourbon. Then you could get to know where I’m ticklish.

ME: Have you been drinking?

HIM: No, high. But I like that you could tell something was amiss. I have a boner again.

ME: You’re grossing me out. Just say goodnight.

10. The Hater- He prides himself on being super sarcastic and makes it so obvious that he doesn’t trust women anymore. He openly questions why he’s bothering with this whole online dating bullshit. All the women on here are fake, none of them actually read the profiles, and nobody is looking for a “real” man.

I consider the number of men who will check every box in the ethnicity category except black/African-American to be a national embarrassment. Are these men so offended by the mere thought of seeing a black woman show up in their matches that they need to banish us altogether? And don’t give me that “preference isn’t racism” rhetoric. I understand we all have preferences. It’s still a learned behavior in the exact same way we develop prejudices. If you’re OK with excluding an entire race as dateable, try digging a little deeper for the reasons why and tell me they’re not steeped in racism. Take your time. I’ll wait.

Then there are the black males who decide to take a personal affront to my acceptance of interracial dating. One of them wrote,

“Oh. I get it. You’ll be a fantasy for the white man. Plantation life all over again. Fuckin bitch.”

When I encounter a Hater, I block and report him without hesitation.

“Don’t try to win over the haters. You’re not the jackass whisperer.”

— Scott Stratten, author of Unmarketing: Stop Marketing. Start Engaging.

11. The Contender- He’s out there but he’s a little too shy to approach women on his own. He wants to be in a relationship even if he seems a little hesitant at times. He will call you after you’ve messaged each other a few times and the vibe seems right. If he’s a good conversationalist and takes the initiative to set up a date, try to resist the urge to pick out your china. I know he’s a rare and precious find out in wild, but you don’t want to scare him away.

The truth is, as much as we complain about online dating, too few of us make a concerted effort to meet people by any other means. Singles events are always far outnumbered by females. I don’t watch sports, but I’ve joined Meetups for fitness, beer crawls, and I like to play pool (very poorly.) I almost never meet attractive men doing these things. They either don’t show up, the event gets cancelled from a lack of interest, or they all come with their girlfriends or wives.

I imagine there has to be some place where guys must be tired of having a sausage-fest. Aren’t you sick of starring in your own movie where you meet the same 11 women all the time? I’d love to read that article. Maybe you can help a sister out.