Why are black women dating white women

The following Featured Post comes from TV Series Group 9, Thread 5.

1. White Women & Black Men
Sun, Sep 19, 1999 - 10:20 PM/EST
aphrodite

I'm going to step out onto a limb here.....................

I have several Black girlfriends who are extremely sensitive to this issue. So sensitive, that it is hard to have a rational conversation about it without someone inevitably stomping off in tears. I also have known several White women who only date Black men. I think that I understand where Black women are coming from on this issue, but I can't understand White women who only date Black men to save my life. So, I hope that we can intelligently and respectfully discuss this issue because it is a big one.

I live in Minneapolis and this city has a reputation for these types of relationships. The stereotype is a FAT White woman with a Black man. Race aside, my experience is that African Americans and Native Americans have a much broader view of beauty than Whites & Mexicans.

Recently I posted an ad on Yahoo Personals. I posted several ads designed to attract different types. In one ad I specifically stated that I wanted to meet tall, educated, White men. Someone responded who said that he was English and that is (in his words) "a true White man." He told me that I had no right to expect "perfection" in a man because I stated that I was overweight and I should just date Black men "like the other fat women." As offensive as this response was, I think that a lot of women who do not fit snuggly into the idea of a physically perfect women, Black men may be the only option for an intimate relationship. What does everyone think about that theory? I hope that the men who are part of this discussion group participate in this thread too.

2. White Women and Black Men
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 10:16 AM/EST
laura_ca

Aphrodite, great subject and one that's close to my heart. As a white woman who does not fit the media ideal of beauty, I have struggled in the past with accepting myself as I am - full figured. I have dated men from various ethnic groups, but have found that AfAm and Hispanic men tend to have a greater appreciation of my physical gifts. I agree with you that AfAm men overall have a broader view of what constitutes physical beauty.

I have also found that they tend to put more emphasis on inner beauty, instead of outer appearance. However, I don't think that black men are the *only* option for women who don't fit the mold. There are men of all races who are looking for a relationship based on things other than appearance, and many men who are attracted to full-figured women. Personally, I would not want to be involved with anyone who was so hung up on the physical appearance, because to me that indicates a basic shallowness of character.

I try to understand why black women have an issue with white women dating black men, but I don't think I really do. It seema that the position of these women is that white women are taking away one of their prospective mates, Maybe I'm wrong, but isn't this making the assumption that your pool of prospective mates is limited to black men? I don't understand why someone would limit themselves in this manner. Is it possible that this could be a self-esteem issue? I recall reading a post from someone in another discussion group; a black woman stated that no white man would want to date her. My question would be, why would she assume that? I'd love to hear some feedback from black women on this (men too!)

3. White Women and Black Men
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 1:04 PM/EST
bb

I had to join this thread as like laura ca says it is close to my heart. I think that there are so many layers to a relationship. I am white and my husband is black. He grew up in a mostly white neighborhood and his best friends are Chinese. We are together first of all because we were attracted to each other and fell in love--not right away. We were friends first. We liked each other's independent, action oriented spirit. I dated a black guy in highschool back in the sixties and my first husband was white. Although I have been attracted to many different men, I know I really am drawn to dark hair, eyes and brown skin.

My husband says the few times he dated black women they wanted to tell him how to run his life and he would rather have remained a bachelor instead of be in that kind of relationship. I think there are plenty of white women who would want to tell a man how to run his life!

I do understand black women being sensitive to the issue. If they want a relationship with someone in their own race then they will see me as taking the options away since so many black men die younger, don't have opportunities for education and career, and end up in jail--all often due to the racism that still exists. Bottom line is I agree with what Cicily said in the series. Can't it be simply about two people falling in love?

4. White women, black men
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 7:14 PM/EST
shanita

Very interesting Aphrodite! You could very well have written what you wrote on the "Change" site.

You certainly have caught my attention. Yet, after reading all of the responses, I guess I don't have as much to say. But, I will say to Laura that yes, just like some white women, many black women prefer black men and black men only. I have been one of those women, but like I wrote in my latest response at the "Change" site, it has become clear that I will simply have to be more flexible. Thank you BB for understanding all of this. And, yes I do agree that it should simply be about two people falling in love.

5. White women, black men
Tue, Sep 21, 1999 - 7:58 PM/EST
briles

I don't understand why black women get upset about black men dating white women. My mother is one of those people. Her brother dated a white woman and had a baby with her. My mother's only comment was "I don't really approve of black men dating white women," and she never said another word about. The lady visited. My whole extended family accepted her. I never even heard my grandmother say anything negative about my uncle's girlfriend. But, in thinking about it more, I believe that my mother's own insecurities about her appearance had a lot to do with it. She is not the light-skinned black woman with long hair. I think that she experienced intra-racism with the AA community earlier in her life, and that has affected what she thinks about inter-racial relationships, especially black men-white women relationships.

7. white women, black men
Wed, Sep 22, 1999 - 6:04 PM/EST
malay

Wow! This thread has hit so may issues that are a part of my life, I don't really know where to start. I think there are lots of reasons why Black women have a hard time with Black men being with white women. I think it spans from blatent racism, to feeling abandoned, to living in a box, to case by case situations.

For me, as a bi-racial person, I have struggled with this most of my adult life. I definitely identify more with the Black community. I have always dated Black men. Not because I wouldn't date others, I just haven't. I think there are many historical issues that create this dynamic and have been perpetuated throughout the years.

The result of this intoleranece comes from so many different places for different people. I think when two people come together, in love, it shouldn't matter what their ethnicity is. But, there is often a perception that tells Black men that being with a white women is an accomplishment. It's a status thing. Where does that leave all the beautiful Black women? ---feeling put down and devalued yet again. Obviously, not everyone feels this way, but I am trying to articulate a subliminal message that permeates through our society (and in the Black community in particular). I have had Black men say things like, "the reason I don't date Black women is because y'all are too much work."

I really think the bottom line is, it is really not for me (or anyone else)to judge who is with who and why. We cannot live our lives as victims. In other words, when one sees a Black man walking down the street with a White woman, fight the urge to take it personally and know that you are still worthy.

8. Malay
Wed, Sep 22, 1999 - 8:02 PM/EST
bb

Terrific post! Well said. Thank you.