Should i put social drinker on dating apps

For years, I thought it was impossible to have a serious relationship with someone who wasn’t in recovery. With one or two exceptions, I didn’t even hang out with people who drank; dating one was never going to work.

And then I met her. She was so beautiful, so wonderful, and so…normal. She could have a cocktail or two and not want a third. Imagine that! We’ve been dating for two years. Sure, every once in awhile she likes to get drunk with her friends but she never goes to jail and always calls an Uber. Why didn’t I think of that?

We’re very happy together. Sure, we have our struggles, but none of them threaten my sobriety or have anything to do with my past. It turns out my hesitance to date outside the circle of recovery was, like so many other things I don’t understand, rooted in fear.

Here’s what I’ve done specifically to overcome that fear and make this relationship work.

Be upfront.

If you meet someone you’re interested in, tell them early on that you’re in recovery. You are so much more than a recovering addict but it’s likely a huge part of who you are. If you’re ashamed of your past or the fact that you can’t drink, you’ve likely got much bigger issues than romance to deal with. No one worth dating is going to make you feel uncomfortable or judge you about it.

My girlfriend knew I was in a twelve-step program from the very beginning and she was intrigued by it. As it turned out, she’d had a lot of close family who struggled with addiction and was very sympathetic to the idea.

Recovery first.

Consistency has been a huge part of my sobriety. It is anathema to addiction. Find a few meetings you can attend on a weekly basis, get a sponsor, and find a strong support network of friends in recovery that you see often — that’s what I was told and it works for me. It will for you, too. Don’t allow a relationship to change that.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. You know how intoxicating a new relationship can be. That 8:00 p.m. meeting I’ve been going to every week for years? Well, it was tough to get to when I found myself lying naked in bed with her at 7:30. I had to remember what happens when I don’t do what I’m supposed to. She’s likely to be the first thing I’m going to lose if I start drinking again.

She understands. She loves who I am and she knows that my commitment to sobriety is such an integral part of it.

It’s about mutual respect.

It was a lot more difficult to write this than I imagined and I’m glad I did. What I’m realizing now is, honestly, there’s nothing fundamentally different about how we make it work than any other relationship. It boils down to respecting one another.

My partner respects that I don’t drink. She doesn’t offer alcohol to me. Early on, she made sure I was comfortable if we were out somewhere and she decided to have a drink. We talked for hours and hours about recreational drug use and our beliefs surrounding the counter-culture. We got to a place of understanding because we wanted to be together.

I respect that she drinks. I don’t judge her or give her funny looks when she takes a shot. I don’t pester her about drinking enough water or remind her it’s a Tuesday. (I do make fun of her when she’s stoned but that’s just part of the fun for us.)

Sometimes I go out with her to bars because she really wants me to engage with her. I am happy to do it. We go dancing. I have a Redbull or a water and we have a blast. Other times, she goes alone with her friends and I stay home and play video games.

Sometimes she goes to twelve-step meetings with me. She likes to see what I do, meet my friends and show support. Sometimes she doesn’t because she knows it’s important that I have time to meet people who might need help and have the ability to vent to fellow addicts and alcoholics.

Like any other couple, it’s important that we walk our individual paths together.

What works for me might not work for you.

“To Thine Own Self Be True” is on the back of every little coin we give each other at our meetings. I love that so much.

I can’t stress how important that is. Everyone is at a different stage in their process of recovery and I don’t know where you’re at. Talk with your sponsor, engage with your support network. Write about it. Only you know what is right for you.

When I first got sober I spent over a year miles away from home, surrounded by people trying to get sober. There is no way I would have made it through those early days with any alcohol around. If someone had handed me a joint, I might have smoked it. Now, I smile and say no thank you and walk away. It works now, but it wouldn’t have then.

Be honest with anyone you’re thinking about dating and, perhaps first, be honest with yourself.

My advice, if you’re thinking about dating someone but you’re not sure how it’s going to work?

To thine own self be true.