Dating a woman addicted to exercise

I'm addicted to exercise: My fitness regime ruined my holidays, my social life and my marriage... but I just can't stop

By Janice Utley
Updated:

A few weeks ago, I went out for a meal with some girlfriends. As soon as I walked through the front door I felt restless, obsessing about the fact that I hadn't done enough exercise that day to burn off all the calories I'd just eaten.

It was gone midnight but it didn't matter. I began to run up and down on the spot.

I calculated that I'd need to do this for at least an hour before I could allow myself to go to bed. 

Fitness fanatic: Janice Utley says she does between three and four hours of exercise a day

Afterwards, I was so hyper that I couldn't sleep. That's what life as an exercise addict is like.

Every day I must jog, weight-train or swim for several hours (a minimum of three to four) or I feel ratty and unable to concentrate.

Exercise gives me such a high that it feels like I'm floating.

So the news this month that exercise junkies experience the same withdrawal symptoms as drug addicts comes as no surprise for me.

Any time I haven't been able to exercise, I've felt edgy, depressed and convinced that there's a visible difference in my body.

Long-haul flights are unbearable. I feel unsettled, irritated and shaky because I can't move about, and as soon as I get to my destination I have to find a gym.

I have a calorie calculator in my head and am always working out how much exercise I need to do to burn off every mouthful.

A bowl of pasta, for example, equates to an hour-and-a-half of running. Mostly, I try to avoid going out with friends for dinner, and will make excuses to get out of it.

A few years ago I came down with a terrible dose of flu and I couldn't exercise for two months. I tried a few times, but was so weak I collapsed back into bed.

Being unable to work out for all that time made me feel depressed and out-of-control.

I know it sounds ridiculous, and I know I overdo it. I'm always pulling muscles, and there have been times when I've had fainting spells.

Once, in Florida, after deciding not to eat anything that morning because I had not been able to exercise, I passed out on the beach.

Although it was only for a few moments, it was very scary, particularly as I couldn't find my sons, Tom, 12, and James, ten, when I came round - but this still hasn't put me off working out.

On the run: Madonna (right) is photographed jogging with a friend

My addiction to exercise began when I was in my early 20s. Even though I've never been larger than a size 10, I've always felt plump. As a teenager, I became obsessed with my weight, which led to bulimia.

Gradually, I realised that instead of throwing up or starving myself, I could exercise to keep my weight down.

People don't worry about you if they see you're exercising - they don't think you have a problem because exercise is good for you.

By the time I was 22, and married to Mark, I was exercising hard every single day. Although I worked - as a nursery nurse - I'd go to the gym, go running, go swimming and follow exercise DVDs at home for a total of two or three hours daily.

Mark constantly told me I had a fantastic figure, but I simply didn't believe his compliments.

One evening, he took me to a lovely Italian restaurant for a meal. But all I could think about was that I had not exercised enough that day, which meant I wouldn't be able to burn off all the stodgy food. So I stormed out.

Mark was, understandably, bewildered.

Going on holiday was a nightmare. I never left home without my portable player and exercise DVDs. Every morning, I'd get up and work out in our holiday villa and, later, make sure I swam.

Coleen McLoughlin is one of many celebrities to have released an exercise video

I know Mark felt that I ruined many holidays for him. I'm ashamed to say that when, at 23, I fell pregnant with Tom, I continued to exercise at a similar rate, terrified what pregnancy would do to my body.

I cut down a little, and instead of doing high-impact workouts I'd do gentler step aerobics. But I'd still exercise for two hours a day, and until my bump got too big I even did sit-ups. Consequently, I put on only half a stone.

I know Mark was concerned, and midwives were always commenting on how tiny I was. But I didn't tell anybody how much I was exercising because I knew they'd disapprove or, devastatingly, make me stop.

I had a normal pregnancy and Tom was born healthy, so I reassured myself it hadn't done any harm.

But I did feel guilty when I realised that the only way I could get Tom to stop crying in his pram was to bump him up and down - the same motion that he'd have experienced in my womb when I was doing aerobics.

But within days of his birth, my body snapped straight back into shape. I was convinced it was because I'd been exercising so much. So I started doing it even harder, for up to four hours a day.

I exercised right through my second pregnancy, too, and James was born healthy. When people gave me compliments about how quickly I'd regained my figure, I felt great and it gave me an incentive to keep up my hard work.

I was back exercising at full pelt within three weeks of giving birth.

Then, when I was 25, I found a lump in my breast. I was terrified it was cancer and had a few very anxious weeks while they ran tests.

Finally, the specialist asked: 'Do you work out a lot?' It turned out that the lump was a piece of overworked muscle from doing too many weights in the gym.

At that point, I did cut down on the weights. My arms were starting to get that veiny, over-muscular look like Madonna's, which isn't attractive.

In 2007 Mark and I divorced. I tell myself we grew apart but I know my exercise obsession didn't help. Afterwards, Mark told me that he'd got a new girlfriend and that she was a size six. It really got to me and made me want to exercise more.

Ironically, exercising got me through the divorce. It stopped me from wallowing in self-pity and gave me back my confidence. When I went to the gym I felt stronger, I felt I could cope.

Two years on nothing has changed. Today, I do between three and four hours of exercise a day. I set my alarm clock early so I can fit in an hour at the gym before I take the boys to school.

After a session, I feel relieved and elated. I have this sense of well-being. I can even look at my body in the shower and feel OK about it.

Sadly, that doesn't last. By the next morning, I'm as dissatisfied with it as ever.

The truth is that exercise makes me feel in control. My mother passed away recently and I found exercising therapeutic.

I don't get 'down' days when I exercise; I can blank things out. If I keep my body going, it stops my mind working overtime.

I'm still not happy with my body. After a shower, I'll stand naked in front of the mirror and examine myself, squeezing the parts that are too flabby.

I wish that I had a tiny, nipped-in feminine waist, instead of my athletic, straight-up-and-down figure.

I'm a part-time drama student now and live in Chorley, Lancashire, with my boyfriend Simon, 36, and my sons.

Simon is fantastic and very patient with me. He usually makes jokes about the amount I exercise, but he does get annoyed when we go away for the weekend and I insist on staying in a hotel with a gym.

He really wants to have a baby with me and I'd love to give him a child, but I can't face the thought of putting my body through another pregnancy, especially now that I'm older and probably won't snap back into shape so easily.

I know it's not fair on him: he's great with the boys and he'd be a fantastic dad.

I don't really think I have a big problem with exercise. After all, I'm always reading about the hours celebrities put in to keep their figures in shape and nobody calls them, or the other people at my gym, addicts.

But sometimes I wish I could have a day where I could relax and not have to exercise. I wish I could have a baby with Simon and not worry about it.

I wish I could go to the gym for one hour a day and be satisfied with that.

Maybe I'm in denial. But it's not a simple issue like giving up drugs, is it? You can't give up exercise entirely and nobody would want you to.

Aren't there far worse things you can do than exercise a lot? I can't help thinking if it makes me feel so good, how can it be a problem?'

• Interview by Hilary Freeman.

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